Loneliness is creeping back up on me. Granted I always feel alone, for the past 15 years or so I have felt this way. Writing that last sentence has just made me realize it is a trust issue. I don’t trust anyone enough to feel secure in the companionship of friends. It’s different when I am dating someone because I seem to open up too fast, or I am too eager to spend time with that person and thus I want to hang out with them all the time so I can feel secure with that person and get the trust back and not feel alone anymore.
I once thought it was a matter of being comfortable with myself and being okay with feeling lonely but I don’t think that is it anymore. I am pretty confident about who I am and my likes, wants, needs, and desires. I do what I want to do whenever I want to do it. That has been my philosophy for a while cause I don’t think life is worth living if you aren’t doing what makes you happy. Only you have the power to change your situation to what makes you happy. Which brings me to suicide. I can’t say how many times I have thought of this option. Mostly when I was younger and first dealing with this feeling of being alone. Its such an intense state of being that I doubt that there are very many people who have felt intense loneliness such as this. It’s more than feeling detached from everything and its more than depression. Its feeling that no matter what there is only nothing. As juvenile as it may sound its like being invisible. Nothing affects you at all. There is nothing but emptiness. There is a hollowness in your heart. Sure, your parents may love you, and you have friends, and you work and interact with people but its that hollowness. If you were to disappear today who long would it be before someone came looking for you? 10 minuets, an hour, 4 hours, a day, a few days, a week, a couple of weeks, a month?
I have since decided that suicide is probably the most selfish act anyone could commit. It is basically saying I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings, fuck you, I’m taking my own life. Because there is bound to be someone to notice your passing and feel for you and to disregard that is just being selfish.
So that is my hope. I know there are tons of folks that care for me and there is the hope that I am going to be okay, to disregard that I think would be stupid. I love being surrounded by people who like me which is probably why I am always looking to make new friends, in the hopes I will stop feeling lonely. In fact I know I am going to be okay. Just that loneliness can be a bitch to live with sometimes.
