No more blogging.  I am switching back to writing in a journal.

Good bye.

For now.

Work 8 – 5

Contact the Royale about DJ gig.

work on my new schedule of “healthy stuff to do”

install my new hard drive

upgrade and update all software after installing new hard drive.

call kimberly

call sonny

call landlord about late payment and leaky bathroom sick.

1 serving grape nuts trail mix cereal with 1 serving of vanilla soy milk.

8oz of orange juice and multi-vitamin

1/2 serving of chocolate truffles and 8oz of coffee with cream and sugar

Bourbon peppercorn turkey, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and spicy mustard on whole wheat.  8 oz of mountain dew.

80 oz. of water.

1/2 serving of motts all natural fruit snacks

1 green apple

1.5 servings of bowtie pasta with red sauce (don’t know which kind yet) and mixed veggies.

12 oz of orange juice

1 serving of peanut m&ms.

Or a list of things to do this year (not in particular order):

Go to bed early and wake up early.

Eat healthier and keep a food journal.

Be nicer.

Stay on top of things that I have/need to do.

Start my non-profit artist residency program business.

Save a good amount of money.

Buy a used car.

Take a trip to Boston, Kansas City and Chicago.

Move into my own apartment.  Again.

Exercise more.

Start saving for retirement.

Be more mindful of my drinking habits, and/or cut back on the alcohol.

Pay off my last credit card.

Pay a sizable amount of my student loans off.

Start making art again.

I think there are a few more but thats enough for now.

I ain’t got no time for nothing because I am too busy procrastinating.  Its a really bad habit that I retreat into my imagination when I get too stressed out and then I procrastinate on everything else.

In my defense I have had a lot of shit to deal with, mostly my emotions, which is time sucking.

Its annoying really.  But I am in the mood to refocus, which tends to happen when I realize the amount of shit that has been piling up.

Here is a list:

Work on drawing for book.

Send out post-holiday cards

Artifice.  This one I feel really bad about because several people contributed articles and I totally dropped the ball.

Call some folks back.

Get my finances in order.

Clean the house.   This is essential to help me “reset” the problem is that I have 1 and a half roommates so its impossible to get the house as clean as I want it and to have it stay that way.  Problem.

Spend time with my lady.  Because she is awesome and it allows me to procrastinate some more.

And all the other shit I need to do. . .

Um, I met a girl.  She is pretty super.  Pretty and super.  And she is probably reading this.  Haha!

I finally got all my ideas for the residency program down on paper.  That was good.  It helped me to brainstorm a little and get some more ideas going about the program.  I am very excited to get this thing started.

Work is so, so.  Not much to report.

Frank is doing well.  I need to get him back on the better food.  Yet another reason I need to get a car, so I can get to the vet.

Moms is doing good. She is in love with her boyfriend.  UGH!  But she is happy so thats what is important.

My annual Christmas Cocktail party is coming up.  I’m kind of stressin’ because its coming up soon.  I need to get on it!

I am getting more and more DJ shows which is pretty cool.  I really like playing music I like for people I don’t know.  Its fun!

Artifice is kind of a pain in the butt!  The next issue should be out this weekend.

I am behind on Mark’s book.  SHIT FUCK!  I need to work on that!  Dammit!

Too busy!

I need to buy a bunch more music for my new years DJ show.

I need to stop spending money.  For real!  I need to stick to my budget and thats it!  I need some discipline!  I think I am going to have to cancel going to VLV because of the spending.  I need to get my tattoo finished, pay off a credit card, and buy a car.  All before June or July.  Just because.  Ah!  Income tax return should help.

I need to get a new phone too.  The new LG touch phone.  Thats in April though.

I need to visit Jake and Laurie and Al and Josh in Boston.  I need to visit Kimberly before she leaves, which I don’t think thats happening.  And I want to get to KC and visit everyone again soon.

Oh there is much more too but thats it for now.

Did I mention I like a girl?

Um, I kinda forgot what I was gonna write.

I’ll start with, CHIRSTMAS IS AWESOME!!!!  I love me some xmas!  The tree is going up tomorrow with all the lights and garland and what-not.  Oh and the music!!  Hells yes the music!

I can’t think of anything else…

Yep that’s me!!!

I’m building 5 10 foot tall bookcases for the museum.  So far they are pretty awesome.  And so far I am a pretty decent wood worker.  I love having skills.

And P.S.  I’m not depressed as the blog below implies.  Just a weird form of loneliness.

Word up.

For real.  Things are pretty great.  Bills paid.  Spending cash in the pocket.  Car purchase in the early part of next year.  Going to Vegas for VLV next year.  Fun times.

Loneliness is creeping back up on me.  Granted I always feel alone, for the past 15 years or so I have felt this way.  Writing that last sentence has just made me realize it is a trust issue.  I don’t trust anyone enough to feel secure in the companionship of friends.  It’s different when I am dating someone because I seem to open up too fast, or I am too eager to spend time with that person and thus I want to hang out with them all the time so I can feel secure with that person and get the trust back and not feel alone anymore.

I once thought it was a matter of being comfortable with myself and being okay with feeling lonely but I don’t think that is it anymore.  I am pretty confident about who I am and my likes, wants, needs, and desires.  I do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.  That has been my philosophy for a while cause I don’t think life is worth living if you aren’t doing what makes you happy.  Only you have the power to change your situation to what makes you happy.  Which brings me to suicide.  I can’t say how many times I have thought of this option.  Mostly when I was younger and first dealing with this feeling of being alone.  Its such an intense state of being that I doubt that there are very many people who have felt intense loneliness such as this.  It’s more than feeling detached from everything and its more than depression.  Its feeling that no matter what there is only nothing.  As juvenile as it may sound its like being invisible.  Nothing affects you at all.  There is nothing but emptiness.  There is a hollowness in your heart.  Sure, your parents may love you, and you have friends, and you work and interact with people but its that hollowness.  If you were to disappear today who long would it be before someone came looking for you?  10 minuets, an hour, 4 hours, a day, a few days, a week, a couple of weeks, a month?

I have since decided that suicide is probably the most selfish act anyone could commit.  It is basically saying I don’t care about anyone else’s feelings, fuck you, I’m taking my own life.  Because there is bound to be someone to notice your passing and feel for you and to disregard that is just being selfish.

So that is my hope.  I know there are tons of folks that care for me and there is the hope that I am going to be okay, to disregard that I think would be stupid.  I love being surrounded by people who like me which is probably why I am always looking to make new friends, in the hopes I will stop feeling lonely.  In fact I know I am going to be okay.  Just that loneliness can be a bitch to live with sometimes.

I am on vacation right now and I am bored out of my mind!

Even writing this blog is super boring.

I don’t want to make art.

I don’t want to work on the Star Wars game.

I don’t want to lay video games.

I don’t want to watch T.V.

I don’t want to watch a movie.

I don’t want to sleep.

I’m not hungry.

I don’t want to read. Not even comics.

I don’t want to draw.

BORED!